Our Babies Story

Do you have tissues handy? You might need those.

I’ve been meaning to write this for a few days, but every time I sit down and try to start it I start feeling sad and…. depressed honestly so then I put it off another day. I figure it’s going to take me a little while to write, but it’s something I need to do while my thoughts are fresh, and so I don’t have to re-tell the story to people all the time.

So I have decided it was best to start at the beginning of our journey, because having children has been an ongoing process for us, and I think it would be good to give a little background.

After being married for a while, the spirit prompted us that it was time for us to try to start having children. I didn’t think it would take very long.  After a few months that felt like forever, and with no luck …. I started reading a book called Taking Charge of your Fertility given to me by the Midwives in the clinic I was working for. It is a great book! After reading the book I started taking my temperature every morning to keep track of my cycles. Still after a few months of doing this and no luck, I decided to get some blood tests done.

After changing a few things, and going on an ovulatory medicine, I finally got pregnant in February! We were so excited, we made cute shirts for my parents to announce my pregnancy and we were so excited to tell all of our family.

When I was about 6 1/2 weeks along in the pregnancy I started bleeding, and I knew I was going to miscarry, and I did. It was hard for us, but we carried on, and started on our journey to parenthood yet again! We were very hopeful.

After trying to get pregnant again for another 5 months, it happened! I was so excited to see those 2 little lines again.

After my first miscarriage, I talked with the midwives and we determined that it was possible that my progesterone was too low to maintain the pregnancy, so for this pregnancy I decided I wanted to do a progesterone suppository to help maintain the pregnancy. After all, it wouldn’t hurt!

So for 12 weeks, every night I would take the progesterone, which sometimes was a hassle, but we did it anyway because we wanted our baby to stay in. I Started feeling pretty nauseous around week 5, which I knew was a good sign, but still not very fun! I couldn’t function normally because I felt SO sick!

We got into the doctors as soon as possible and scheduled an ultrasound. We wanted to make sure the baby had a heartbeat, we were so nervous. We went in for our ultrasound at 7 weeks and got a huge but completely wonderful surprise! TWINS!

We have talked about having twins before and it was something that we both wanted. In fact Hans had even had a dream before we got married that he had 2 children and he was 27. We had thought this wasn’t going to be possible after we had been trying to get pregnant for so long…… and then we got pregnant with twins, so it all made sense! It was meant to be.

So I continued to be sick, but I thanked my heavenly father every day for the great blessing! He had given us not just one, but TWO sweet little spirits. I wondered a lot, how do I deserve such a great blessing?

One day, in my first trimester of the pregnancy, I had a random thought about the name Olive, I remembered that that was my great grandma’s name, and right then I knew without a doubt that that was the name I should use for my first little girl. I had NEVER thought to use that name before, but I felt the spirit tell me that that name was the name I would be using. And also May, because that is also a family name.

I also found out that on my mom’s side of the family, there was a set of twins, and one of their names was Hans! Not a coincidence I think. We both knew pretty soon that Carter Hans was the name we would use. What a blessing it was for us to know what their names would be SO early.

All through the first trimester, I was so scared that I would loose our little babies! But at around 12 weeks we had our second ultrasound and everything looked great. We took a huge sigh of relief and I finally started allowing myself to be excited about the pregnancy.

Somewhere around 15 weeks I felt their first movements. What an exciting moment! In fact, just recently we read that the spirit enters the body when the mother feels the first fluttering of movement. How cool is that?

It was so fun to feel them moving inside of me, and for Hans to be able to feel them move as well. We had so much joy just thinking about them and their spirits.

At 17 weeks, we were able to find out the gender of our babies. A Boy and a Girl, just what we thought and just what we wanted! I continued to wonder how I deserved to have such a great blessing.

Things continued to progress normally, and the doctors said that everything looked great! Although I was still spending a lot of time sitting at home feeling sick and miserable. The sickness never went away like I thought it would.

On Wednesday morning, when I was about 21 weeks along, something didn’t feel right. I had had a bad night the night before, with sickness, so I stayed in bed that morning and got up late. Finally, around 11AM I got up to go to the bathroom and take a shower. Before I could really go the the bathroom, there was a huge spray of fluid, and I knew my water had just broken. I ran to get my phone, and knowing that Hans was in a meeting in Virginia, which was an hour away, I called my friend Liz to take me to the hospital. She wasn’t going to make it in enough time so I called 911. The first time I have ever had to use that number for an emergency.

The ambulance got to our house pretty quickly, and took me to the nearest hospital. I threw up in the ambulance because of car sickness, but we finally got to the hospital. They stabilized me by starting me on magnesium to stop any contractions I was having. Hans wasn’t able to get to the hospital until an hour later, then they transferred me to the hospital I was supposed to be going to, the one where my doctor was. Once I got to that hospital, they started monitoring my contractions ( which were only really Braxton Hicks contractions ) And they did an ultrasound.

Both babies looked fine, but they wanted to monitor me for a few days to see if I would go into labor, and If I had an infection. They told me the most common reason for a rupture of membranes that early was because of infection, and if that is what I had, then they would have to deliver the babies. Antibiotics had proven ineffective in cases like mine. They also told me that the normal amount of time to go with your membranes being ruptured was at most 3 weeks, then I would end up going into labor and the babies would be delivered. They could not survive outside the womb until they were 24 weeks. Our options were very limited, but we hoped for the best, and that I could keep them inside of me for as long as possible!

After monitoring me for a few days, and determining that I didn’t have an infection, they decided to send me home, and they put me on strict bed rest. I would only be able to really get up to go to the bathroom. So on Friday afternoon we got to go home!

On Friday night I thought I was having some mild contractions about every 20-30 minutes, but we went to sleep that night and hoped that they would go away.

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling just fine and having no contractions, just a little back pain. My mom got to our house at 2PM and I was so excited to have her here! Once she got to our house, I started having contractions about 5 min apart.they were mild so I hoped that they would slow and go away. They came every 5 minutes for about an hour, and then I decided to call my doctor. She told me if they continued to be that frequent, or felt stronger that I should go to the hospital.

Well, they did get stronger and more frequent so we decided to go to the hospital, and the contractions started to be about 3 minutes apart and they were getting stronger.

I was admitted to the hospital and they hooked me up to the contraction monitor. Awhile later the doctor came in to check me. As soon as she got a look she told me she saw an umbilical cord. Then she said she could feel fetal legs. We were so sad and scared!

They brought the ultrasound machine in, soon after she told us that “baby A” Carter had no heartbeat. Hans ran over to the sink feeling like he was going to be sick when we heard the news. They told us the the cord had been clamped when it started falling out, and cut off his blood and oxygen supply. Delivery was imminent. “Baby B” Olive however looked fine, and had a great heartbeat.

Labor was not going to stop, and I was in a great amount of pain! I finally got an IV and they gave me morphine and another IV drug that did not help at all. I kept asking for an epidural but they didn’t think they would be able to give one to me in enough time.

They were finally able to give me a spinal block (which only lasts about 40 min- 2 hours) It was nice to have some relief.

The plan was that they would deliver Carter, and tie his cord off high, in hopes that Olive would move back up into my uterus, and that I would be able to carry her full term.

They started the procedure as soon as I got my spinal block. Carter came out, they tied his cord off, and carried him away. My mom and Hans went to go see him and the doctor stayed with me while we waited to see if Olive would move up. A few minutes later We heard a huge pop and my water broke. The doctor told me that Olive was coming. I started crying, because I knew she wouldn’t live for very long.

Hans and my mom came back in the room, and we waited as she was delivered.

Soon after she was taken away, we found out that her heart was still beating! They brought her in with Carter and we were able to hold them and be with them for a good amount of time. It was so easy to tell that even though Olive wasn’t moving, she was alive! she was warm, and had color, and she looked so beautiful. She lived for about an hour and a half. We could feel their little spirits there with us.

It was such a spiritual experience to be able to spend time with them and take pictures of them. We felt so much joy to be able to be their parents and spend whatever little time we had, with them. Words can’t even express the joy and the love I felt and feel for these 2 little babies. Such a blessing to have them in my life.

 

I asked to keep them with us in our room overnight. I really didn’t want to let them go. I just wanted to have them there with me, it made me feel so much better.

Early on Sunday morning, I woke up and saw them next to me, and my emotions overcame me. I cried and cried. Hans woke up, and we cried together. He held Carter, and I held Olive and we cried. The sorrow that we both felt was bringing us closer together.

Their little bodies were so perfect,every bone, and every body part. What an amazing thing it was for me to be able to create such perfect little bodies!

We went home that day, Sunday. The nurses and doctors were great and made us cute memory boxes with their first little hats and outfits, their footprints, and even a cute mold of their tiny Hands and feet.

The days since then have been hard. I have cried so many times, and felt so much pain and sorrow. And it feels hard to except my new reality. These babies are a part of my life, This is not something I can “move on” from. I will always miss them, and I can never replace them by having more children. This isn’t like any other trial I have faced.

I am surprised at how much the love I have for my husband has grown. I’m so lucky to have him in my life, and I am glad we can be there for each other through this hard time. I can’t even describe how much more I love him now!

I know this is such a hard thing to go through, But I really am SO grateful to be blessed with these two sweet spirits. I’m so grateful for them and I'm glad Heavenly father has blessed me with them. A friend of mine who has gone through something similar shared a quote with me that I think is a great reminder of the plan of salvation, and it helps me keep an eternal perspective.

“One of our purposes is to provide earthly tabernacles for the Lord’s children. In most cases these tabernacles grow up to adulthood and experience earth life proving their faith and obedience. On occasion a child of the Lord need not experience earth life to prove their faithfulness. These children have proven themselves in premortal life, but they can no longer dwell with our Father in Heaven in a celestial world. They lack a body. Without a body they cannot be resurrected nor can they emulate their Father. They cannot enter into the Celestial world, they are lost forever. Because the Lord is so loving he has provided a means for these children to gain a body and thus return to him in Celestial Glory. Part of this plan involves his children that already reside in an earthly state. The two of you have been sealed in the ”Temple of Our God” and your children fall under the covenant. This child you carry is yours and will be forever. How blessed you are to have been chosen to provide a tabernacle for one of the Lord’s most choice. I know it is sad and seemingly unfair, but what greater blessing can you receive than the sure knowledge that one of your children is guaranteed residence in the Lord’s kingdom?”

Carter

Olive

Carter and Olive

Hans and I want to thank everyone for all of their prayers, fasts, flowers, cards, meals, and concern. We were able to feel the spirit so strongly when we were with our little babies and felt the love and comfort that comes from each of the members of the Godhead. It has been a real rollercoaster this past week, but we feel confident that our little babies are ours forever and that we will see them again. We are so grateful for the plan of salvation and for the comfort that it gives to us during this time of loss. We know that our little babies would have survived if it had been what Heavenly Father wanted for us. It is hard to not know why this happened to us, but we are confident that it was part of the life our Heavenly Father has planned for us at this time.