The Good and the Bad Again

I have some more thoughts I would like to share. They seem to interest people, and I think it is good for me to record my thoughts during this hard time.

Christmas was not the same this year for me. It wasn’t the same for Hans or anyone in my family either I think. The Joy of Christmas lessens when something tragic like this happens.

Lately I’ve been feeling a little robbed. I feel like the experience that I wanted and the experience that so many people get to have was stolen away from me. It is a little bit of a challenge for me to not feel different when I see people who are pregnant. It doesn’t always feel fair that other people get to have normal, uncomplicated pregnancies. They get to buy cute clothes for their babies, and make them cute things. They get to go into labor and be excited to rush to the hospital….. and then leave the hospital carrying their baby, instead of 2 memory boxes… like me.

But people don’t know, and it’s not their fault. I don’t know what their life is like, and we are each given our own challenges. I can’t let those thoughts affect me. I truly think that those thoughts are from Satan. Remember that his goal is for us to become miserable like he is.

So, When I go to the doctor and the nurse asks me “ are you breastfeeding?” I just have to answer “No” and give no more thought to it. She doesn’t know.

And when I go to the store and the cashier is pregnant, be kind and ask her when she is due, and be excited for her. Then I feel like I should tell her “ I just had twins! A boy and a Girl.” and when she says “Oh, that must be a handful!” I can just answer “yes, yes it is.”

My babies are my Joy and I don’t feel like they should be pushed to the side and forgotten. I do want other people to know that I had two precious little babies, and they are and forever will be, mine.

So even though I wasn’t able to have the experience I was seeking, or the one that I wanted…… Heavenly father gave me a different experience. One that he knew I needed and was better for me than what I thought I needed.

I was reading a blog, and it talked a little about this.

What we usually want is to enjoy life and not to have to endure trials and hardship. I mean, trials aren’t fun…. who wants them? But what the Lord strives for is Moses 1:39 “This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.”  That’s it! He wants us to have eternal life.This means he is willing to do whatever he needs to do to make us into who we are supposed to be. This is how we become like him. One experience at a time.

I was praying one day a couple weeks ago, and I wanted so badly to just have the pain and sorrow taken away from me, and the answer to that prayer came almost immediately. It was that I was going to feel sad, He could not take that completely away from me, but that he would help me in any way that he could.

And when I look back, I can see the hand of the Lord in every aspect of my life! I was able to know what the babies names were very early, I was able to experience them moving inside of me. My mom got to our apartment and THEN I went into labor. I had great doctors taking care of me. I was able to hold them and be with them for a little while, and I got to have their pictures taken. I am no longer afraid of labor, and I know what it feels like.

And even though the Joy of Christmas was a little diminished for me, it came at the perfect time. To help distract me, to be with family,and help me keep an eternal perspective. Hans’ work was so kind, and people donated their leave hours to him so he could stay home with me for a whole month! Not to mention we get to go to Disney World next week for a whole week with my family!

I can even see the Lord’s hand in the small things. Like going to target and seeing the “expectant mothers” parking, and just as my anger started to creep in, I spotted a parking spot that was the same distance away from the store, if not closer! Coincidence? I think not.

The challenge is not letting the sorrow, and the sad thoughts weigh me down and keep me from experiencing Joy. I pray that I will be able to recognize the blessings in my life, and that I will be able to keep an eternal perspective. I hope I will be able to know what my purpose in life is right now, and that I will know the Lord’s will.