Thoughts

I thought maybe  should write down some of the thoughts I’ve been feeling lately. Good idea? Maybe not… but I’m going to anyway. :/

I think I will start out with the bad/sad things first and then maybe some good things.

Mostly I think I’m just a hormonal and mental mess. The flood of emotions I have been feeling are really like a rollercoaster. The sad thing right now about being a women is that I cannot shut my brain off! Sometimes I feel somewhat normal, but most times I feel sad/depressed and contemplative.

Everything just happened so fast. Mentally I’m going through a traumatic experience ( water breaking, hospital days, going through labor) It was all so much of an “emergency” situation. And my brain can’t stop reliving it! I’m still trying to adjust to the fact that I lost both of my babies, and physically I’m still recovering from giving birth (some women might wonder if my milk came in…. although the doctors said it probably wouldn’t…. it did! )

I can’t help but wonder…. Could this have been prevented? I can’t help but sometimes feel a little angry as well that we had to try for so long to even get pregnant and that I didn’t have an easy pregnancy.

I wake up in the morning a lot thinking “is this really my life? did that really happen?” And I hope that each day will be better, although there is really no way to know.

I’m back to my skinny self again, which normally should be exciting, but I hate it. I feel sickly, and empty. I should be pregnant right now, and I feel so sad that I can’t feel my little babies moving inside of me anymore. I loved being able to feel them move and kick.

OK, enough of my sappy stuff.

Some of my good friends from Idaho sent me a book by John Bytheway, and I have loved reading it. I want to share some of the things that I have found in it that have helped uplift me.

As I was sitting in Sacrament on Sunday and trying with no success to sing the sacrament song without crying, a line from the song kept repeating in my head. “Thy will O Lord, not mine be done”

I know it isn’t helpful to ask the question, “why?” because there are so many things we don’t know, it’s only natural that I find myself thinking that sometimes. In this book it says…. A quote from Elder Richard G. Scott

“Rather ask, what am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Who am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet when you pray with real conviction, ‘Please let me know Thy will’ and ‘May Thy will be done,’ you are in the strongest position to receive maximum help from your loving Father.”

Also, In this book he talks a little about “why” we go through these trials in life. A quote by President George Q. Cannon

“… That is why God tries all of us. It is not for His own knowledge; for He knows all things beforehand. He knows all your lives and everything you will do. But he tries us for our own good, that we may know ourselves; for it is most important that a man should know himself…”

The last thing I want to share that I read in this book is…

“Our temporal life is temporary. Our trials are temporary. Our pain is temporary. Because of the Savior and his atonement, our mortality will become immortality.”

Hans and I went to the temple yesterday, and we just sat in the Celestial room. I was very weepy, even though I was trying to hold back tears. It was nice to sit in there and talk with each other about life after death, and how Carter and Olive are happily living with our Heavenly Father now…. and being jealous of that ;) We know we will see them again, but I can’t help but wish that we didn’t have to be on this earth that is filled with sorrow and pain. But how can I expect to have the glory of our Father in Heaven if I don’t go through trials and pain in this life? Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Here is one last quote by President Brigham Young

“The Lord takes many away even in Infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world, they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth, therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they were delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."

Carter and Olive didn’t have a mission to fulfill on earth, but they needed bodies. We were chosen to give those bodies to them. It’s not something I wanted to go through, but I am glad we can have their sweet spirits in our family. We are now a family of 4!

I love my husband so much!

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers, cards, and gifts, they are much appreciated. We definitely need them right now!