Dates and Fun!

What have we been up to in the last couple of weeks? Just getting back into the swing of things!

Hans is doing well with work. He has loved being able to go on Saturdays and play sports with some friends in the ward. He always comes home sweaty and really tired, and all he wants to do the rest of the day is sit around :)

I have started some online classes, right now I’m working on a New Testament class which has been really good for me, and I just got a calling in the Young Women’s presidency in our ward! I’m excited for this calling and the new experiences it will bring. It will also keep me busy which is a good thing!

We always love to watch an episode or two of a show at night. Right now we are watching Once Upon a Time-which we love! And,  I think we have started a weekly routine of doing one creative date on the weekend.

Last weekend we made a fort and watched a movie in it. It was way fun!

This weekend we had a really fun skype date with our besties Sarah and Jaren! We made valentines day gingerbread houses :) Making gingerbread houses every year together is a tradition for us, but we skipped it this year, so we decided to make them for valentines day!

How cute are they? Oh, and that’s a mark on the computer screen, not on her teeth. hahaha, sorry Sarah! ;)

We love being able to skype, but seeing this picture just makes me sad that we can’t actually be together! Oh well, thank goodness for technology.

I also got a valentines day package in the mail from my mom! It was such a wonderful surprise.

Hans and I had fun going through all the stuff that was in the package.

 

Valentines Day decorations!

Today we had a good Sunday dinner and we were able to spend time with my Uncle Mike, we had a good time!

I made cupcakes :)

yum!

Liz is due in about a week, can’t believe it!

Jay with bears at the store while Liz and I were shopping

Trying on Hans’ gloves

Hans and I after church today.

The magnetic scrabble board I made.

So life is just moving right along! I need to start getting back on track with taking pictures! I’ve been slacking in the picture department and family blog posting lately! Time to get back on track.

Loved

I just wanted to say that we feel extremely loved! So thank you to everyone, for everything! If I haven’t responded to your messages or emails, just know that I appreciate them.

We have received so many cards, messages, and emails, as well as flowers, books, blankets, chocolates, and so much more. We sincerely appreciate your love. I know it is hard to know what to do or to say, but whatever you have done, even if was just expressing your love- it has and does help. I feel like we have become more popular and I can’t say that I don’t like that! ;) I believe that Heavenly Father has worked through each and every one of you to help us :)

As for my thoughts this week- I have a lot of them. I have been writing them down in hopes that I will be able to write about them here, and help other people.

I would like to display some of the memories we have of Olive and Carter, but I haven’t been able to work on that quite yet. So for now they wait patiently, in their spot under the TV. Eventually I will get there.

Do you see them? They are in those two little white boxes, and the green boxes underneath have all of their things. Their first hats and outfits, footprints, ultrasound pictures, and a few other things.- apparently I took this picture at 11:11 and I didn’t even realize it- makes me smile :)

 

The one thing I have been able to do though, is set up the mold of their cute hands and feet. Sometimes I look at it, and it makes me happy, and other times it makes me sad- I don’t know if that will change, but I hope for more of the happy moments rather than the sad.

I am starting a new (separate) blog, for my thoughts and posts about our recent experience! It is CarterandOlive.blogspot.com. And no, I’m not making it private :) it is currently undergoing a makeover, so It doesn’t look too great at the moment, but hopefully it soon will. I’m not too great at the whole “blog designing” thing, so if any of you are, and want to do it for me, I wouldn’t be opposed ;) Oh, and don’t worry, I am keeping our family blog, and will be posting on it like I normally do.

Sad

Can I just say that I am just sad?

I’m really sad. Really really sad. Sometimes I really struggle trying to pick up the pieces of my (our) life.

I usually have a breakdown about once a week. I can be pretty strong throughout the week, but then out of the blue I just can’t hold it in anymore. It is real, fresh pain.

I feel tired, and sick (nauseous) and I’m not quite sure if it is one of those nasty bugs going around, or from mental stress… either way….. It sucks.

It really sucks

That’s all.

One Month

Tuesday the 8th officially marked one month since Olive and Carter- my sweet and perfect babies came into this world, and then left to go back to be with their Heavenly Father.

As each day passes the freshness of the sorrow and sadness starts to fade, but the deepness of it doesn’t. As time passes, I miss them more. The reality of the situation has actually started to sink in. I have started to forget- just a little, what it was like to be pregnant. And I find myself thinking, I can’t believe I was pregnant with twins and everything was going just fine, and then I lost them-just like that! Did that really happen to me?

Lately I have been having “bargaining” thoughts. Have you heard of DABDA? the grieving process? I remember learning about it in school, but I never thought I would be looking back at it and using it to figure out where I was at in the process, and when it was going to be over. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. For me, I feel like I have had all of those mixed together. But I think I have gone in order as well.

My bargaining thoughts have been things like…… “ If I could just feel them moving inside of me one more time”….. “If I could just be with them for a little longer”….. and “If I could just go back to the time when I was pregnant and everything was fine, when I thought I was going to have 2 healthy babies and be able to hold and take care of them.”…. I want those things SO bad. I just MISS them, so much.

Now though, I’m stuck with wondering what I should do with my life. Having a family has always been my goal- I don’t want to do anything else! I don’t want to go back to school or work! I thought that part of my life was over, but I guess it’s not, and I’m back to the drawing board again.

Life is not supposed to be perfect, and I’m kicking myself for even thinking that it should be! We can’t get everything we want.

In the past few weeks I have been getting a lot of people apologizing for things that they have said, that they thought may have hurt, offended me, or caused me more sorrow. Friends feeling bad about talking to me or expressing how excited they are about having a baby ( a lot of people I know are pregnant and due around the same time as I was supposed to be). To everyone, I just want to say- please don’t feel like you have to tiptoe around me, it IS sad. But it is my trial, and it is something I have to work on. I am sincerely happy for everyone that is having babies, what a wonderful blessing- that should not be dampened by what has happened to me.

If I were to let myself be offended or feel sad about others having babies or when people talk about having babies….. I would be a VERY depressed person ALL the time!

I don’t know why others have been able to have children more easily, and I don’t know why It has been so hard for us. BUT I do know that my Heavenly Father loves me, knows what’s best for me, and he has a plan for me!

A friend sent me this scripture in a letter and it has become my motto lately. It is Proverbs 3; 5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on thine own understanding; in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.”

To any one else who is having any kind of a trial. Remember that your Heavenly Father loves you and has a plan for you.

Disney World

After Christmas we went to Disney World and we had a TON of fun! I haven’t eaten that much in a long time. And all the food was SO good, and we LOVED the fun family time! So here is a huge overload of pictures!

We had a great restaurant experience this time, and we did a lot of jumping between parks. Luckily this was our 3rd time going to Disney World so we didn’t feel obligated to go on every ride. I can’t remember which day we did what so this is going to be very disorganized!

First morning, ready for Disney!

Yay! so excited!

mom and dad :)

Hats galore!

Oh, my brother. he thinks he’s so funny!

We were able to eat inside the beasts castle! The food was amazing and the inside of the castle was so cool! It was one of my favorite parts of the trip by far!

You can’t see it in this picture very well, but they made it look like it was snowing outside! how cool

YUM

The west wing

The rose

I was so excited to get this treat. An ice cream sandwich with the biggest cookies ever! I may or may not have ate most of it….

On the Safari

       

Swimming at the resort! Cam put the towel on his head like a girl, and then begged me to take a picture of him. haha :)

Ready to go swimming!

 

Bugs life , and a yummy treat!

    

         

Another great meal!

They had a bubble blowing contest :)  

Yeah, I gained more than a few pounds on this trip, not much help getting the baby weight off! ;)

Beautiful Castle!

    

     

Made of legos?!

    

Um… hand placement? I’m pretty sure that wasn’t on purpose.

 

We were able to dine with the princesses and take picture with all of them. So fun!  

                

Josh caught a lizard

 

   

We got the best caramels!              

 

Last meal together :(

    

And there you have it! Our trip to Disney World was wonderful and much needed! I wish we were still there and I could live the vacation life for a little while longer.  Or maybe move out of Maryland and to Colorado so we could be by family? We have debated just moving there without a job or a plan….. but I think our minds are a little foggy and our emotions are getting the best of us! Anyone know of any jobs for me or my husband?? ha.

I guess reality and real life has to be faced. I’m going crazy not knowing where things are going to go from here!

Happy New year everyone! 2012 had some of our happiest and best moments of our life, and some of our worst! Hans graduating, getting a job, moving to Maryland, getting pregnant, finding out we were having twins, and then losing them. Life has just been a rollercoaster! I guess time will pass and we will see what 2013 has in store for us. So here’s to another year!