One Month

Tuesday the 8th officially marked one month since Olive and Carter- my sweet and perfect babies came into this world, and then left to go back to be with their Heavenly Father.

As each day passes the freshness of the sorrow and sadness starts to fade, but the deepness of it doesn’t. As time passes, I miss them more. The reality of the situation has actually started to sink in. I have started to forget- just a little, what it was like to be pregnant. And I find myself thinking, I can’t believe I was pregnant with twins and everything was going just fine, and then I lost them-just like that! Did that really happen to me?

Lately I have been having “bargaining” thoughts. Have you heard of DABDA? the grieving process? I remember learning about it in school, but I never thought I would be looking back at it and using it to figure out where I was at in the process, and when it was going to be over. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. For me, I feel like I have had all of those mixed together. But I think I have gone in order as well.

My bargaining thoughts have been things like…… “ If I could just feel them moving inside of me one more time”….. “If I could just be with them for a little longer”….. and “If I could just go back to the time when I was pregnant and everything was fine, when I thought I was going to have 2 healthy babies and be able to hold and take care of them.”…. I want those things SO bad. I just MISS them, so much.

Now though, I’m stuck with wondering what I should do with my life. Having a family has always been my goal- I don’t want to do anything else! I don’t want to go back to school or work! I thought that part of my life was over, but I guess it’s not, and I’m back to the drawing board again.

Life is not supposed to be perfect, and I’m kicking myself for even thinking that it should be! We can’t get everything we want.

In the past few weeks I have been getting a lot of people apologizing for things that they have said, that they thought may have hurt, offended me, or caused me more sorrow. Friends feeling bad about talking to me or expressing how excited they are about having a baby ( a lot of people I know are pregnant and due around the same time as I was supposed to be). To everyone, I just want to say- please don’t feel like you have to tiptoe around me, it IS sad. But it is my trial, and it is something I have to work on. I am sincerely happy for everyone that is having babies, what a wonderful blessing- that should not be dampened by what has happened to me.

If I were to let myself be offended or feel sad about others having babies or when people talk about having babies….. I would be a VERY depressed person ALL the time!

I don’t know why others have been able to have children more easily, and I don’t know why It has been so hard for us. BUT I do know that my Heavenly Father loves me, knows what’s best for me, and he has a plan for me!

A friend sent me this scripture in a letter and it has become my motto lately. It is Proverbs 3; 5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on thine own understanding; in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.”

To any one else who is having any kind of a trial. Remember that your Heavenly Father loves you and has a plan for you.